Monologue

Setiap kali gue memutuskan untuk menaruh hati pada seseorang, Yara selalu menjadi pengingat akan kata-kata yang biasanya gue ucapkan ke orang lain, "Have fun aja kali."

Biasanya gue cuma haha hehe haha hehe. Tapi sore ini dalam sujud gue beneran minta supaya dijauhkan dari baper-baper alay yang mengganggu ketentraman dunia persilatan. Gue harus bisa mempraktikkan nasihat yang biasa gue kasih ke orang lain.

Falling in love should be fun, right? It's probably the best thing that ever happend in my life, so I better enjoy it.

Karena terlalu serius dan bawa perasaan akan menyusahkan diri sendiri. Menyusahkan diri sendiri adalah bentuk tidak mencintai diri sendiri. Gimana cara bisa berbagi cinta kalau mencintai diri sendiri aja nggak bisa?

Jadi, di saat perasaan nggak tentu kayak sekarang, gue cuma bisa berdoa sambil mengingatkan diri sendiri supaya bersenang-senang.

Enjoy it!

The Girl Who Never Was

Dear Boy-friend,
Before anything else, I would like to say that I am immensely blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for always being one phone call away when I need you – for being my bodyguard when unwanted guys go knocking at my door; for going out of your way to drive me home and make sure I’m safe; for being a shoulder to cry on when my heart gets broken; for being a confidant when my world comes shattering around me. Thank you for exhibiting what it means to be a true man of God and for walking out the kind of strength and bravery that matters.
Thank you for always protecting me, so allow me to protect you too.
You should know by now how affectionate I am, all the while knowing how firm I am when it comes to making sure no one falls beyond the line. You must wonder why I didn’t allow you to go to me when I was sick in my condo alone and you wanted to take care of me, or why I carefully drew up additional boundaries when I found out you liked me.
Do understand, I am thrilled to know I’m one of the closest friends you have and I’m one of the people you trust most. But when I encourage you to go to your male friends and leaders so that you could build deeper relationships with them, believe me when I say I’m doing what I believe.
See, I don’t want to be the first person you run to when you have a problem. I don’t want to be your main accountability partner. I don’t want you to think of me as your best friend or your closest friend.
I want all those to be your wife.
And until you meet her and build that kind of relationship with her, look for someone of the same gender whom you can trust, look up to, and share life with. Let him be your go-to person, not me. No, I’m not saying you stop opening up to me, please do. I love such conversations with you, and I appreciate you trusting me like that. Just don’t let me be your number one friend.
Also, on the very small chance that you think said future wife is me, just stop right there and hold your words. Yes, it’s okay to pray for me and ask God for me. But until you full-out pursue me, don’t invest so much emotionally. I am in awe that you, knowing me fully and having seen me in my unguarded moments, would even consider me. So if you want to keep it in your heart, go ahead. Just don’t focus on it. Guard your heart, even if you do like me.
One day, you’ll get married. Probably to a girl that’s not me. And I don’t want us to keep reassuring her that our friendship doesn’t hold a candle to her and that it’s her who you absolutely, truly love. Rather than leaving any semblance of doubt in her about our relationship, I want her to see its purity and how much we protected each other from going too near the guardrails. Rather than driving her nuts and insecure, I want her to thank me for being her husband’s friend and for walking with him through his ups and downs as a sister.
I want your wife to love me and our friendship, too (haha).
Similarly, I’ll get married (I hope). HAHAHAHAHA. And I’m sure somewhere out there, my future husband is building relationships with amazing, godly women who will walk with him in this life. I’ll owe a lot to these lovely women for really guiding him and loving him through his roller coasters; for standing with him even when the ground is shaking; for building him up in, the same way I hope I’m doing with you now. And I’m just treating you the way I hope they’re treating him right now, too.
Now don’t worry, I am not robbing you of coffee-date privileges and goodness, I’m sorry if I get a little selfish here, but yes I will still allow you to pick me up in your car from the hotel to drive me to that restaurant I’ve been wanting to try and I will still seat shotgun even if we’re with a group. We need close, healthy men-women relationships to fully flourish. But do remember if ever I start to be careful, I’m doing it not only for me and my future husband, but also for you and your future wife.
So in honor of you. I am vastly honored that in this colossal, tragic world full of smashing cosmos and comets torn apart. It is my greatest pleasure to grow with you.
But dear friend, when she comes to you, the universe won’t just shudder.
The heavens will sing.
And I’ll be on the front row, belting off with the choir of angels.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Never Was

Teruntuk A.I.G, yang sudah berbagi banyak hal selama 9 tahun, terutama sampahan-sampahan bermanfaat. Semoga lancar segalanya!

I am proud of myself.

Yesterday was my happiest day in my entire life, so far. Not because I got achievement, money, or something like that.

It's just because finally I can handle my emotion and show the best of me. I turned the negativity into something positive. The wise side and the happy side combined.

No more drama, anger, and deppresive attitude.

I can take care of youth, elder, anyone.

I did it. Very well.